Behold me, the Ideal MAGA Man – President Donald Trump’s preferred version of an American. I shall become a model member of the society he’s trying to build on the wreckage of the one he’s presently tearing down.
Through his words and actions, and the behavior of those around him, I have sketched this new version of myself, and will endeavor to be all the things He (I should capitalize “He” when referring to Trump, right?) wants us to be.
Fortunately, because I’m white and a man, I have a considerable head start. I would think that’s an unfair advantage, but “caring about others” thinking doesn’t align with the Ideal MAGA Man. So I’ll push that from my mind and focus on how great it is that I’m white and a man while also spending considerable time complaining online about how I’m actually the victim here.
To be a truly Trumpian American, you must bow down to the king
President Donald Trump waves to supporters in West Palm Beach, Fla., on Feb. 17, 2025.
An equally important step toward being the perfect Trump-merican is, of course, obsequiously idolizing God-King President Donald “Amazing” Trump, greatest president of all time (many are saying this), stablest of geniuses, golfer extraordinaire and the only human capable of bringing peace and prosperity not just to the world but to the entire universe.
As Secretary of State Marco Rubio said Tuesday following talks with Russia about ending the war in Ukraine, talks the Ukrainians were not invited to: “The only leader in the world who can make this happen, who can even bring people together to begin to talk about it in a serious way, is President Trump. He’s the only one in the world that can do that right now.”
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Rubio got the phrase “only leader in the world” into that short interview four times, setting a shining example for people like me who aspire to true Ideal MAGA Man-ness.
A REAL AMERICAN has no need for government services
Beyond the pro-level tush-snogging, a Trump-merican man must have his act fully together and never admit otherwise.
That means I have no psychological issues whatsoever, no need for any form of government assistance, no need for an education system to teach my children things, and certainly no reliance on Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid. I couldn’t care less about getting mail or having roads to drive on, because I forge my own path in life and will carry the mail on my broad, manly shoulders and take it where it needs to go, stopping only to laugh at sad liberals and/or migrants in shackles.
I don’t need some “government” – the thing Trump’s amazing and heroic best-at-everything friend Elon Musk is presently ripping apart – to do things for me. I’m fine.
Elon Musk holds a chainsaw during the annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at the Gaylord National Resort & Convention Center at the National Harbor in Oxon Hill, Md., on Feb. 20, 2025.
No, seriously, I’m fine. I’ve got it all together and there’s nothing weak or vulnerable about me.
I don’t need to talk to anyone, thank you very much. I’m a rock, and everyone loves me, especially my dad, who definitely hugged me enough.
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Where was I?
Oh, yeah, becoming the Ideal MAGA Man.
All MAGA Americans must be huge fans of Vladimir Putin
The next step in the transformation is to be zealously patriotic to the vision of America set out by President Trump, which includes disliking U.S. allies and ABSOLUTELY LOVING Russian President Vladimir Putin.
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I realize the Russian president/dictator hasn’t appeared in many U.S.A.-loving Chevy truck commercials featuring Bob Seger’s classic song “Like A Rock,” but I’m sure that will change soon.
And if it doesn’t, I will applaud Trump for using the full force of the government to run Chevrolet out of business and lock up its executives for not being loyal to American/Trump values.
Activists in Berlin wear masks on Feb. 20, 2025, to protest, from left, Tesla CEO Elon Musk, far-right Alternative for Germany party candidate Alice Weidel, U.S. President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Nothing can get in the way of us becoming the perfect MAGA versions of ourselves. So we must purchase our “We Love Putin!” T-shirts and embrace the Nazi-ish extremist far-right German party supported by Musk and Vice President JD Vance.
It’s the (new) American way.
What would Jesus do? Who knows? Just do what Trump does.
I will espouse a deep Christian faith while rarely, if ever, going to church and consistently flouting the teachings of Jesus Christ.
In fact, I will teach myself to hate anyone different from me, loudly mock others and actively oppose the meek inheriting anything.
I will consider criticism from the pope and the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops a badge of honor and applaud when Trump orders the term “hypocrisy” erased from all U.S. dictionaries and textbooks.
Ideal MAGA Man has no need for truth. Or facts. Or reality.
President Donald Trump holds up a Bible outside the St. John’s Church across from the White House on June 1, 2020. Hundreds of peaceful protesters had gathered outside the White House that day, and there had been no reports of illegal conduct. About 6:30 p.m., law enforcement officers suddenly began using force to clear the area to make way for Trump’s walk to the church. They fired pepper spray and rubber bullets as they punched and pushed protesters, journalists and even priests.
Lastly, as the final phase in the Ideal MAGA Man evolution, I hereby swear on a Trump-branded Bible that I will stop believing in the truth. Only Trump’s word is inviolable, so help me Trump.
For example, on Thursday, Trump spoke of how popular he thinks he is, saying: “I had an approval rating today of 71 and another one of 69. I have not heard of those numbers before.”
Someone who’s not an Ideal MAGA Man might suggest the reason the president had never heard of those numbers is because they don’t exist and, in fact, several polls released last week showed that he has underwater approval ratings of 45% (Gallup and Washington Post/Ipsos), 47% (CNN) and 44% (Reuters).
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But I will not speak such blasphemy, for I am Ideal MAGA Man. I believe what President Trump – the only leader in the world who could have the greatest approval ratings ever – tells me, and nothing else.
That is what our leader wants from us. Ask no questions, entertain no facts, display absolute loyalty, love thy dictators and rest assured the glories of American prosperity will wash down off his gold-tipped loafers unto us all.
Now I have become MAGA, destroyer of common sense.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump’s version of the perfect American is a pro-Putin toady | Opinion
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