Dad Discovers The 'mental Load' After Parenting Solo For 8 Days: 'I Was Not Prepared'

A dad who undertook the family “mental load” for eight days while his wife was on vacation, admitted, “I had no idea it was this tough.”

“It was a challenge … I thought I’d be fine,” Cedric Thompson Jr., a former NFL player and father of three in Minnesota, tells TODAY.com. “I realized really quickly: I’m not fine.”

Charlotte Thompson, Cedric’s wife, tells TODAY.com: “You don’t understand the mental load of being a mom unless you carry it.”

Cedric, whose daughters are 2, 5, and 7, posted an Instagram video during Charlotte’s eight-day trip to visit family overseas. Solo parenting, he wrote, “taught me more about mental load than I ever imagined. The endless planning, remembering, and organizing is exhausting in ways I never understood before.”

The mental load aka, “the cognitive load,” is overseeing the planning and continuity that goes into family systems. For example, “doing laundry” is also making sure that kids have not outgrown their clothes, washing, drying and folding and still remembering to find the appropriate outfits for ‘Spirit Day’ and ‘Pajama Day’ at school.

According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, mothers manage 71% of such mental labor, compared to 45% of fathers. “Fathers are also more likely to see household mental labour as equally shared, while mothers disagree,” according to a press release.

Single parent for eight days (@ced via Instagram)

While his wife was gone, Cedric filmed himself doing laundry, cooking, shuttling the kids around to activities and to the pediatrician’s office.

“I’ve been a single dad for eight days because my wife is in the Philippines and I had no idea it was this tough,” he said in the footage. “I was prepared for the cleaning, lodging back and forth, the unexpected sickness, the feeding, the sleeping. But one thing I was not prepared for was the mental load. I had no idea it felt like this.”

Cedric added, “To think about things that need to be done, that haven’t been done or things that I need to plan to do, is so draining that I don’t even have the energy to take care of myself at all. And now that I understand this, I have so much empathy for my wife and I truly understand what she means by this ‘mental load’ and how draining it is.”

The moms of Instagram pointed out, “Love this. If only all dads had this perspective,” and “Thank you for allowing us moms to be seen.” Many, however, said Cedric’s efforts were belated.

“And the wife probably already organized many things to help run smoothly during these eight days.”
“Where have you been the whole time? Why are you just understanding this?”
“Does she really have to leave the country for him to understand her contributions? Men have to do better.”
“‘I don’t have energy to take care of myself at all.’ Nope, get up and go to the gym and put on something sexy tonight.”
“You’re not a single dad. You’re a dad.”
“Struggling not to roll my eyes at this one. The sentiment is sweet but it’s so frustrating how clueless men are.”
“And a lot of women do all this plus work full time.”

Some dads wrote, “I hear you 100%!!!! I did 11 days when our son was 11 months old … hardest 11 days of my last 10 years, hands down,” and “This touches me as a man.”

Cedric tells TODAY.com that he usually does the cleaning and laundry, but admits to periodically lacking empathy for the more invisible work his wife handles.

“I started hearing about the mental load when our oldest daughter started walking,” Cedric tells TODAY.com, adding, “I never quite understood what my wife was talking about … I could never put myself in her shoes.”

Charlotte tells TODAY.com that she was “a little nervous” by Cedric’s proposal to take care of everything for their family while she was away.

“I had already put together a spreadsheet of what needed to happen on this day, at this time — ‘On Thursday, don’t forget the violin and library books,’” says Charlotte. “I reached out to my mom and aunt to say, ‘Could you fill in here or there?’”

Charlotte continued, “As moms, we think through all the things all of the time. And here I am, leaving for the first time and it’s a really big trip far away and he said, ‘I want to do it all and see what it feels like.’”

She adds, “Cedric loves a challenge.”

While his wife was away, Cedric found himself exhausted. For one, his morning routine — writing, reading and relaxing in his backyard sauna — was shot. At night, Cedric focused on pre-planning the following day’s breakfast menu and laying out his children’s school outfits.

School pickup was “easy,” says Cedric, but getting his girls to their extracurricular activities on time, was not. Bedtime was messier as his daughters wanted to sleep together and in mom and dad’s bed — or hardly at all.

Cedric says he now has more compassion for his wife, explaining, “This took the blinders off and now I have a clear vision of what to do.”

Charlotte tells TODAY.com that she didn’t worry that much about her family while away.

“I was aware of what was happening at home, but I also gave it up to Cedric to carry forward,” she says. “I knew he would do great.”

Charlotte knows about Cedric’s Instagram critics, too.

“People see a glimpse and make lots of assumptions,” she says, adding, “As far as people saying, ‘He finally got it’ … it’s something I’ve tried to communicate many times over the course of motherhood.”

Now, Charlotte can tell Cedric has “a new appreciation” for her role.

“We’re not perfect and there are still moments of friction but he is really committed to being the best partner and dad,” says Charlotte, adding, “There is a shift in his understanding of … rebalancing the overall load.”

This article was originally published on TODAY.com

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