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Dear Annie,
I overheard my roommate talking about me in their therapy session. it wasn’t anything super bad — just that I can be passive aggressive. I know therapy is personal, and I’ve had sessions with my therapist in our apartment. But idk how to face her. Should I talk to her about it, or just go on as normal?
Help please,
regretful eavesdropper
Dear regretful eavesdropper,
There are three places on Earth where we might dump our worst thoughts: diaries, conversations with our moms and therapy. Violating the sanctity of those private places accidentally or on purpose is bad for any relationship.
Simply put, you shouldn’t talk to your roommate about what you heard. You’re supposed to discuss the people in your life in therapy, a space that’s intended to be private. If you both attend therapy sessions in your shared apartment, you’re already aware — and have accepted — that the other person might hear. You could ask her to modify this unspoken arrangement by agreeing to leave the apartment during the other’s sessions or attend sessions outside of the apartment. But that might mean admitting you overheard her, perhaps forcing her to have a conversation she’s not ready to have. Besides, has modifying any sort of silent rule among roommates ever been easy?
Your best course of action is to take this unintentional eavesdropping as an opportunity for self-reflection. Overhearing your roommate may be a blessing in disguise — you can change your behavior and correct yourself before any potential problems worsen. Are there times when you can be passive aggressive by leaning on sarcasm instead of directly expressing your feelings? We’re all guilty of that — including your roommate. Anyone who’s read a Sally Rooney novel knows that sharing how you feel is intimidating.
While passive aggression isn’t a “super bad” accusation, consider ways you could be more direct. For example, if and when your roommate upsets you, sleep on it. If you’re still upset in the morning, have a conversation. Start with questions, not allegations. Not every time you are upset necessitates a discussion or a demand, so taking time to cool down and leading with curiosity ensures that you address issues with a clear head.
Also consider that your roommate’s comments to her therapist might not encapsulate what she truly believes. In the same way that you close the door when using the bathroom, you close the door when you go to therapy. You must be able to let loose without shame. We often go to therapy to process our thoughts, sorting through the ones that are true and discarding the ones that merely reflect anxieties or misinterpretations. Your roommate may have left the session feeling differently about you than the fraction of the conversation you overheard.
There’s a reason we stop playing whisper-down-the-lane in elementary school. Overhearing snippets of someone else’s conversation might be fodder for you to create an inaccurate story, all because you filled in the blanks incorrectly. You must learn how to live with knowledge you’re not supposed to have in the first place. This may be a sign to invest in a better pair of headphones, but it’s an even better chance to reflect on your behavior and relationship.
Un-regretful columnist,
Annie
#overheard #roommate #talking #therapy #Hatchet
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