It was 4 a.m., and Maj. Jessica Guerin was on a mountain in the Scottish Highlands crying.
Twenty-two hours into the 24-hour race at Cateran Yomp, Guerin suddenly found herself at a breaking point.
“The sun’s sort of coming up and I just start crying, like, uncontrollably bawling, like I was a little girl again,” she said.
Guerin had been dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dating back to her 2008 military tour as a medic in Afghanistan. Coming into 2023, she was in a “dark place,” and knew she needed to make a change in her life.
Six months later she was alone on a mountain in Scotland, crying about “things that I had held on for so long.”
Guerin pulled out her phone and put on her “angry music” playlist, listening to the same five songs on repeat. She had a Tylenol, an energy pack and some tea from a hydration station and soon she found herself running.
At the finish line was a fellow Canadian and retired army veteran waiting to congratulate her on completing the 90-kilometre race.
“That experience kind of opened up my world to putting myself out there, to [the] Invictus [Games],” she said.
Guerin will be of 56 athletes from Canada and 500 athletes from 20 countries across the world competing in Vancouver and Whistler, B.C., for the seventh Invictus Games kicking off Saturday.
Vancouver-Whistler will be the second time Canada has hosted the Invictus Games since Toronto in 2017. This year will also be the first time winter sports are featured.
Created by British veteran Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, the Invictus Games were first held in 2014 in London to encourage recovery and rehabilitation to wounded, injured and sick service men and women across the world through the power of sport.
“The Invictus Games for me was the opportunity to put myself out there and try a team sport and be with people,” she said. “I didn’t know how rewarding that was.”
A military family
Guerin grew up in a military family with her grandparents, parents and brothers all serving.
She first enrolled in the Canadian Armed Forces 23 years ago as a medical technician where she served until 2008, including seven months as medic in Afghanistan.
After her tour, Guerin went to the Royal Military College of Canada where she trained to be a personal selections officer, a role she now serves in Petawawa, Ont.
Before being diagnosed with PTSD in 2018, Guerin said she enjoyed a very active lifestyle, competing in half marathons, full marathons, military Mountain Mans and even an Ironman. But in 2019, while taking a motorcycle driving course, Guerin crashed and broke her arm and leg. Then during COVID she was re-stationed to a new city, working from home.
“After my leg broke and my mind broke, I just watched TV and I just slept and I just couldn’t find that thing,” she said.
On New Year’s Eve in 2022, she was sitting on the couch with her parents, drinking a bottle of wine by herself, when Guerin decided this would not be her life.
Always interested in the Spartan Races – long distance races involving several obstacles and challenges – Guerin decided to sign up for every race in 2023.
She got herself back into the military gyms with trainers to help her reach her goals for the races and slowly began to feel like herself again.
The Cateran Yomp in Scotland was an opportunity that Guerin decided to do last minute.
But the experience at that race and her Spartan races became part of her application to Invictus, showing how sport was helping her heal and why she believed she should be on Team Canada.
“All of the demons that I kept buried, just started coming out, being like, ‘it’s time. It’s time to open up these drawers and clean it up and sport has helped,'” she said.
One of the few people Guerin has confided her PTSD diagnosis with is her best friend of 31 years, Raelene Anderson, who said she knew Guerin had been struggling.
Anderson said Guerin’s experiences with the endurance races made it so “admitting that she maybe needs a little bit of help wasn’t as daunting.”
Part of a team again
Guerin first heard of the Invictus Games while listening to Prince Harry’s autobiography, Spare, along with learning she and the prince had both fought in Afghanistan at the same time.
To be eligible to compete, she volunteered for Soldier On, an organization which helps the recovery of ill and injured Canadian military and veterans through sport and recreation.
The Invictus Games feature the core sports of indoor rowing, sitting volleyball, swimming, wheelchair rugby and wheelchair basketball.
Vancouver-Whistler will also debut the winter adaptive sports of alpine skiing and snowboarding, Nordic skiing and biathlon, skeleton and wheelchair curling.
Guerin sees the Invictus Games as her “comeback show.” She’ll compete in indoor rowing, wheelchair basketball, alpine skiing and skeleton – an event involving racing head-first on a sled.
“That’s par course for Jess,” Anderson said. “She likes to push herself and I think by challenging herself as much as she can with the sports, it just proves to her that she can overcome anything.”
Guerin used to ski with her son, Liam, when he was younger, but hadn’t been on skis since her motorcycle accident.
Being able to compete in alpine skiing for the Invictus Games was “the big thing for me, bringing skiing back into my life.”
Since finding out she was selected for Team Canada last year, there have been several training camps where she and her teammates have come together to pick and practise their events.
At the final training camp last month, Guerin celebrated her 43rd birthday, where her teammates sang her Happy Birthday not once but three times throughout the day with two cakes.
“It was amazing, like the love and support from this Team Canada,” she said. One of the most rewarding elements for Guerin of being part of Invictus is the team aspect.
Since joining Team Canada Guerin learned there are five other athletes who also work on the same base in Petawawa, but whom she would never have met otherwise, as they all work in different sectors. The athletes now have a group chat they communicate with each other in.
Other Canadian athletes
Just before Christmas, Guerin and some other athletes on Team Canada got together to compete in a wheelchair rugby tournament in Montreal.
“It felt nice to be part of a family, a team, a group. Something I hadn’t experienced since I was a medic,” she said.
Along with competing for Team Canada, Guerin is one of the four players from Canada who will be part of “Team Unconquered” for wheelchair basketball, along with various players from different countries.
Team Unconquered allows smaller nations to compete in the Games or gives athletes who don’t have space on their own nation’s teams an opportunity to compete as well.
These players will not meet each other until they arrive at the Games.
“I’ve heard that’s the big heartwarming part, because we’re all going through a similar journey of injury, illness, whatever it is, just trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel,” Guerin said.
An open door
For most of the people in Guerin’s life, the Invictus Games will be the first time they’ll learn of her struggle with PTSD since she was diagnosed.
Anderson and her husband, son and mother will be in Vancouver and Whistler to watch Guerin compete in person, while her father and brother will both be cheering her on from home.
“I have Canada head bands, I’ve got temporary tattoos, and we’re going to make signs. Everyone will know we’re there for her,” Anderson said.
Anderson said Guerin’s bravery in telling her story through Invictus is “incredible.”
“I think it’s just going to help her accept everything and manage it in a more healthy way, and I think she’ll be an inspiration to the next generation of soldiers,” she said.
One person who will be missing is Guerin’s son Liam, now 19, who she hasn’t seen in three years.
Guerin said her ex-husband also has PTSD and that she primarily raised Liam on her own, burying her own trauma and struggles to be able to take care of her son and ex-husband.
When Liam turned 16, Guerin said he made the decision to live with his father and she hasn’t heard from him since. Despite not knowing why Liam has decided not to have contact her, Guerin said “he is my favourite person in the whole world.”
She also hasn’t stopped showing up for her son.
In the same way Guerin was at all his sports competitions when he was younger, she has continued to watch his success from afar, even secretly attending his high school graduation.
“Hopefully he sees me on TV, hears this and knows that my door is always open.”
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